12.21.10

Here goes.

My Mom and Dad really wanted to help me as I suffered over the past year. They offered to let me move back in with them. (I didn't.) My Mom was very sympathetic. I didn't know my Mom's Mom, but based on the memories my Mom would share with me, I think she suffered from depression too.

I hadn't had any depression issues until this past year. I just couldn't stop thinking about the people I was laying off, how they and their families would suffer, how it would be impossible to find another job in enough time to be able to provide for their families. I saw the worst case scenarios for everyone. I would have nightmares about them coming to me, with their kids in tow, begging for food, money, anything. But I couldn't help.

My Mom understood. My Dad sympathized for a while, but then the American ideal, the independent, pull-up-your-bootstraps, your Grandma and Grandpa lived and thrived in the worst economic times this country had ever seen, get off your ass and go do something about it attitude kicked in.

It came to a head last Memorial Day. Mom and Dad invited me over for burgers on the grill. My younger brother, Billy, a Sophomore at Xavier University was there, and of course my little sister, Jen, a sophomore in high school was there too.

It was innocent enough, small talk and so on. Then my Dad decided I needed the lecture. Quit feeling sorry for myself, this depression thing is bullshit. I think he was doing it to make a point to my brother and sister.

I didn't make a scene. I just got up, kissed my Mom and left. They tried to call me, I wouldn't answer. I moved to a different apartment, changed my number. I changed my email.

At some point they gave up. Which suited me just fine. I didn't want to hear from them. I got myself to Dr. Angelise and through therapy realized that it was my issue and I would have to initiate the reconciliation. But I wasn't ready.

Now I wonder. Are they safe? I wanted them to be. Tomorrow I would find out. We would go to their house. We needed guns. And I needed my family.